The last goodbye

I stood by the tube gantries, trying to be calm and ignorant of my surroundings. It had been a long week of exams which were over, but the longest night was still to come. I glanced at my watch every few minutes, telling myself I was thinking too much, too soon. My watch was 5minutes ahead, and she strolled into the station in her typical cardigan and jeans, carrying a beautiful smile.

Sorry I am late, got caught in the labs finishing up, she said as she gave me a peck on the cheeks.

Beautiful flowers, my favorite! Thank you! It was a bouquet of mixed red and white roses with lilies, her favorite. I’m surprised you still remembered.

I had a reservation at her favorite restaurant in Picadilly Circus, The Sugar Reef, a joint serving pan-American cuisine. We chatting as we walked towards the place, and I was hoping to give her a surprise there. Usual stuff, research, work, classes, parties and fun.

YOU ACTUALLY MANAGED TO GET A RESERVATION?! I’VE BEEN TRYING TO GET IT FOR WEEKS. Yes of course, but I didn’t mention the fact I almost literally had to beg the manager to see what she could do to give me a quiet table on a Friday evening.

We ordered our usual dishes, and cocktails to top it all off. We enjoyed the lovely starters, and chatted through with the live band playing. About how things have been for the last year for both of us, about our hits and misses, about old times. Laughter, smiles, rolling eyes and sheepish looks punctuated the evening topped by a lovely dinner, Strawberry Freeze and a Cosmopolitian and the house special Lemon Cheesecake. We were just avoiding the topic which stared at us, both of us wanted for it to never have to come to light, and just enjoy in this false bliss, forget about life. We talked about everyone around us, about us, about her cooking which I miss, and my desserts which she misses. Time flew, and dinner was over. Sigh.

How about we take a walk?

Sure, I replied. It was close to nine, the sun was starting to set, and the weather forecast has said thunderstorms. When I told her that, she laughed. You actually believe the crap uk forecasters? OH Plueasssse. She held on to my arm as we walked towards the Thames. The breeze from the coast was starting to hit us, and she pulled her cardigan closer. I started to offer her my coat, but she refused. I have learnt to take care of myself. A beautiful smile I will never forget.

When we reached Jubilee Bridge, she skipped on forward and started dancing on the walkway. Just like our first time there. Come on slowpoke. Fine! We stood there and enjoyed the light breeze, temperature was about 15ish. She had just let her hair down, and it was fluttering in the wind as she gazed towards St. Paul’s.

I have never been to St. Paul’s, you haven’t too right? Nope, not in the 2 years I’ve been here. I promised her I would bring her there, but I never did.

You didn’t keep your promise you know? I nodded. I’m sorry.

It’s alright, not like I would blame you for it anyway. Hmpf.

I put my arms across her shoulders and held her close, knowing I would regret it if I decided to act nonchalant. She left the flowers on the ledge, and turned over to hug me close, whispering into my ears.

I’m sorry. I knew she was tearing. So was I, trying to hold back tears. I held her close, saying nothing for that period that seemed like an eternity.

As the sun set, time was moving by us and it was getting late. She had a party to get to, with puffy eyes and slightly smeared makeup. Her party, her farewell party at Earl’s Court. The star of the night was going to be late, and looking like she was bullied. I walked her back, this time in silence. She was clutching on to her bouquet, but we both knew that whatever needed had to be done was done. What needed to be said was said. She avoided eye contact with me, as we took a quiet journey back.

At the road leading back to her house, I stopped her and held on to her petite hands, pulling her in for a hug and this time I whispered,

No I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done, and more importantly for the things I didn’t do. I was the one who let you down and made you cry. I was just running away. You were just running after me. It wasn’t your fault that you gave up, because I lost first. You will always be a special girl. You are not allowed to cry, don’t spoil the night. Good luck and be safe, and if our paths every cross again, I hope we’ll have another chance. You are not allowed to cry and spoil this last moment for me.

She smiled, and handed me a letter from her handbag. I will never forget this smile which made me hold back my tears.

I hope to see you again too, really.

With that I bade farewell to someone who has been integral for much of my life here, someone who has always lingered on the sidelines and popped in and out with smiles, and joy. Due to geography, life and destiny, I know a fact that we will possibly never meet in life again, and with that I close a chapter in my life.

Thank you for making my life here special, it took a non Singaporean girl to bring sparkle in my life and really make me smile. I will remember those times, as memories never forgotten if we ever meet years down the road. I would love to dance with you again under the stars, just like the first time again.

Tags: Personal